A Goody...

I have days...many, many days when the world feels on my shoulders.
I could have been a better mom, more patient, a better listener, a better friend.

But some days are just good. Really, really good.
A great run, fun with the kids, a great day at work and a nice dinner with Matt. Sometimes things just all come together.

My good buddy shared this quote with me a few weeks ago, when things were feeling a bit "harried" and she came to my rescue.
I have read it every day since. A goody, indeed!

"It is not our greatest fear that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
We ask ourselves - who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small will not serve the work."
-Nelson Mandela

Odd Conversations...

Apparently, we are already planning for Scout's death with a variety of comments this week...both Matt and I have begun sentences in the last two days like this:

"When Scout D-I-E-S (spelled in front of the children, of course), we will....."

1. Get the carpets cleaned.
2. Get the furniture cleaned.
3. Redo the family room (I was inspired by Nate on Oprah yesterday! A new room with less than $300!)
4. Get more fish. Lucy seems less stressed if we keep talking about new fish.
5. Sneeze less.

This is NOT to say we look forward to this pending event. In fact, the girl doesn't have much longer. She's still doing o.k., but I might give it a few more weeks at best. Poor Scout....

Note to My Body:

Dear Body,
I apologize, for I have been a bit of an a-hole to you this past week. After 6 days of feeling the sickest I have felt in years (and trying to ignore it), I am waving the white flag.

After a morning visit to the Urgent Care, I learned I have bronchitis. Good times...

Sorry about the running of the 11 miles yesterday morning. Made no sense. Work event yesterday afternoon? No sense. "Dead Celebrity" party last night and dancing on the dance floor until midnight? Also...no sense.

So yeah...I've gots me a "Z-pack" now and I am hoping to be renewed by tomorrow at this time. Oh sweet lord let me feel better tomorrow.

Love,
Stubborn Sarah

A Conversation Before Bed...

Lucy: "Mom? When did you first tell me you love me?"

Me: "Actually, I used to tell you all the time when you were still in my tummy! Could you hear me or only feel it in your heart?"

Lucy: "I could hear you a little but I really, really felt it in my heart."

Dear Kids...Can You Tell?

The past four weeks have been quite an adjustment for mom. After being 100% devoted 24/7 to you for the past 5 years, I am branching out in some major ways.
I wonder if you notice...

A new sitter on Wednesdays with trips to the a new park and art projects galore. Suddenly, mom off "at meetings," and "dressing fancy" (BTW - Lucy considers me fancy if I am not in workout gear). Conference calls at the gym, mom's laptop open every day during "quiet time," and even a glimpse of momma on T.V! What in the heck, right?
I know...it's bizarre. FUN...but bizarre.

It has certainly made me MORE focused and "present" in whatever activity we are doing together. If we only have one hour on Wednesdays - we have a picnic and talk about our day at school. We have Friday afternoon Barbie baths and Tuesday lucky lunches at Olga's.

But sometimes, within the past four weeks, I have found myself hugging each of you really, really hard and getting a little teary at the same time. This moment is never back. These moments are gone in an instant. You are so little and so great and so never, ever going to be as magical in the ways you are magical to me right now ever again.

Must still soak it all in every. single. second.
Wish there was a pause button on life sometimes.
Hard to split myself...but know it's the right thing to do.

I just love being a mom so dang much...I take it SO personally and work SO hard to do it "right."
Are they better for this? I think so.
Can you tell Mom has a few other things going on now?
Do you think it's kind of cool?
I hope so.
I love you guys.

The Running Thing...

I am in the "tapering down" portion of my training for the 25K on May 9th. I feel, for the most part, about the same as last year. Mostly good runs under my belt....some awesome ones...one terrible, terrible one....and overall, pretty well trained.
Now is not the time to think about that big event on October 11th, 2009 in Chicago, Illinois.
But I can't HELP it.
With every "long run" I conquer, I am thinking to myself, "and that will only be HALFWAY?" or "those 12 miles will be NOTHING to me come September?"
I am not going to lie...I am officially intimidated. But, still excited. Mostly excited and up for the challenge.

What has running given me the last four months?
1. Much needed silence.
2. Long chats "working it all out" with my good running buddy.
3. A white kitty to pet on the same street each Saturday. I like to believe she waits for me.
4. Those dang five pounds from the winter gone.
5. Time to just think. I find myself decompressing the first two miles...then getting into a groove of thinking outside the box...before the final mile, when I start thinking about what I have to do upon my reentry into real world again.
6. Catch up time with friends on the treadmill while the kids flail, laugh and wave at us from below. Sometimes it's the only uninterrupted time any of us have to talk on a given day!
7. Sore hip that comes and goes sporadically...random sore foot...sore legs every Saturday and Sunday.
8. A nice excuse to eat ridiculous sometimes and not worry about it.

But still keepin' on...making it happen...

The First Meeting...

Yesterday morning, we attended our first "Kindergarten meeting" for Lucy's big entrance this fall. I was, yet again, nothing but impressed. They teachers seem great (young, perky, knowledgeable!), the principals are over the top (Lucy can visit us anytime in August for a "practice run!") and everyone seems ready to prepare the class of 2022 for a fabulous entrance into our public school system. That's right - they threw it out there yesterday. 2022 - Lucy's graduating year.
We have three elementary schools in our small town, so the general meeting was held at the high school auditorium. They made a point to mention to us that our child's life at their school begins and ends in that room. First Kindergarten meeting - high school auditorium. Graduation in 2022 - high school auditorium.
So surreal to imagine. What will the next 13 years bring us? What in the world will Lucy and Tommy experience "be like" at school and where will they flourish?
I couldn't help but let my head wander as I looked around at this state of the art, new expansion in our already lovely high school.
I have high hopes for them - and I am so excited. They both love school like nothing I have ever seen. We talk about Kindergarten daily and discuss everything from new friends, to "big kid playgrounds," to how she will wear her hair, to wondering what her teacher will look like.
If I have any worries at all, I guess my only real "worries" lie around the social aspects of the girls at school...I hear the playground can be a bit rough and that some girls with older siblings can give the little ones an earful. Ahhh...can't protect them forever, I suppose. I can only hope I've raised a kind, empathetic girl with high self-esteem and keep enforcing those concepts every day.
I don't really know what the next 13 years will bring Lucy at school...but I know it will be a fun adventure I never expected, just like the past five years have been.

Happy Easter!

Back to the Mountains...

I took a trip to Colorado this past weekend. When I booked it, nervously, four months ago, I had no idea how great the timing of the trip would be. As expected, the experience conjured up many emotions. Those mountains...they will do it to you.

Taking a little bit of freedom back when flying up into the sky, away from it all. Ha! I've still got it! Yes, I will take that Bloody Mary now.
Also feeling the aching responsibility of motherhood on my shoulders when we would experience turbulance. Am I really going for three nights?

Smelling DIA, remembering the tearful reunions. That feeling where I really could not wait one more minute until I turned the corner and saw Matt there waiting for me, after one month apart. The hikes, the condo, the visitors, the house, the places we went. Things I had not thought about in seven years came right back to me as we passed down streets.

Familiar smiles and friends from long ago. Sadness when I realized I had almost forgotten how great it really all was...how good I really had it...and how lucky I was to end up in that marketing department with friends who would become that book club. We've all been through a lot. We are almost all mothers now. But damn, we still look good - or better! Even better!
It was fun telling them where I've been, what I've done...they were all so interested and proud of me. "We always knew you'd be great at it!" "We still talk about you and your craziness!" It felt good to be remembered.

Afternoon tea in Boulder with two of my favorite girls. Nothing can't be talked about. Hashing out my anxiety, worries...it's all on the table. We always pick right up where we left off - a sure sign of a solid friendship. Quality friends.
"You have to get over that feeling that you are missing out on something," says Jennifer. I knew I called her (jokingly but really) my "Life Coach" for a reason. Walking away, I have a new "consciousness" that I wasn't expecting.

Trails were walked...so many nights with Scout, my new dog. Matt worked third shift and on those nights, it was always Scout and I. We lived across from a dog park and beautiful trail system. Staring out at the Plains, I tried not to cry when I remembered the puppy. Scout was diagnosed with a brain tumor last week and we are still reeling a bit from it. Has it been that long? It really isn't fair. So now we wait - with treats, and hugs and playing catch as long as she can. Just one more Colorado memory.

And lastly - I read a book on the trip. The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan. All I can really say is that if you are a mom, and a daughter to someone, you really just have to read it.

So off I go...with all of this in my back pocket.
Thank God for this trip.